Monday, December 16, 2013

waking up

Ever woken up one day and realized that you've been muddling through life, completely unconscious to the fact that you just weren't feeling yourself? And it’s only when you finally wake up that you realize you've been muddling through at all?

That happened to me today. I woke up. I felt myself—and that made me realize that I haven’t been feeling myself for about a year or so, maybe longer. I’m not sure why I began to muddle or when I started dragging, or even how it happened. But it did, and suddenly I am awake and aware of it.

This morning I did the dishes, washed some laundry, and went to work—my normal Monday morning. But something happened somewhere in the middle of my day. The heaviness that has been hitching a ride somewhere inside me (and making me feel all tinged with gray and slumped and sad) jumped ship. I’m not sure where or when or why exactly, but it seems to be gone. And I feel good. I feel normal again.

So I am grateful—for feeling myself again and for all of the blessings in my life (like my husband, my parents, my sister, a full-time job, the opportunity to go back to school, new friends, old friends, and countless other wonderful things) for which I have not been grateful enough this past year or so. I look toward Christmas with hope that I might always be conscious of these blessings, and that, in the difficult moments when the tinge of gray attempts to creep in again, they will sustain me.

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